This is the epistle I think of when people dispute my claim that the Bible has an anti-intellectual streak. The basic message here is: don’t think, just trust God.
Chapter One
Dear Corinth,
God is awesome.
So, I hear you re having a problem with divisions, following the prophets instead of the word of Christ. You people think you know so much, but you all look like assholes compared to God s omnipotence. God could drink a bunch of Coke laced with Nuprin, whang himself in the head with a mullet, and have Mad Cow disease, and he d still be wiser than the wisest wise man in Wisey Town. Stop chasing knowledge, you ll never know as much as God, anyway. Not even if God were retarded could you be as smart as him.
Chapter Two
I had to dumb myself down just so you could understand what I was talking about when I talked about Jesus! We re starting a religion here, not hosting a symposium. Independent thought has no place here! Just do what I tell you, don t question it. Hey, I ll let you know if I consider you smart enough to talk about God, alright? I guess what I m getting at is this: no one can know the mystery and wisdom and deep, deep crevices of God s stunning, unfathomable mind well enough to tell you how it works. Except for me.
Chapter Three
So, brothers and sisters, I m going to spoon-feed you this stuff, because you re too stupid to pull your pants down before taking a shit. You think you can wrap your heads around my rather simplistic demigod concept? Please. And don t pay attention to prophets, only pay attention to God. Here, I ll interpret him for you.
Chapter Four
I m just a servant of God, you know, he s going to judge me, too. And he s not making it easy; we Apostles are like freak shows, man. People ridicule us, and all we have to get through the day is the incredible smugness of having it all figured out. We can at least take solace in the fact that we re right and we don t mind telling everyone else how wrong they are. Corinth, I love Jesus, and Jesus selected me to be the head of the Church, so I m your daddy. And I love you like a daddy. But daddy has to admonish you for your ignorance. The essence of God s kingdom is power.
Chapter Five
One of you guys is fucking his stepmother. Not cool; even idol-worshiping, baby-eating pagans wouldn t be that immoral. You arrogant fuckers should do something about it. You re not supposed to judge anyone, but as Christ s rep on earth, I ve judged you, Corinth. And I say you should kill this guy! Leave behind evil and malice; embrace sincerity and truth and murder that perv. And don t hang out with other pervs, or drunkards, idolaters, and thieves. Don t judge anyone. You know, unless you know them.
Chapter Six
Don t follow the secular government; all authority comes from the Church, because our power comes from God hisself. Quit sinning and fucking and enjoying your bodies and the many wonderful pleasures it can be made to feel the essence of obedience, er, religion is self-denial.
Chapter Seven
Women don t own their bodies their husbands do. A woman needs to yield to her husband sexually, or else he ll have to commit adultery, and that will be the woman s fault. I mean, if you disgusting Corinthians can t stay chaste like me, that is. It s better not to be married, but if you can t control your sexual urges, you should be married rather than just fuck around. Fucking outside of marriage is wrong. Divorced women who remarry are committing adultery. If a believer marries an unbeliever, marriage makes them holy. Circumcision is unimportant stop mutilating babies and just obey God s word. You are all a slave of Christ, aren t you lucky? If you re a virgin, I d rather you didn t marry if you could help it. I mean, marriage isn t a sin, per se, but if you stay as unmarried virgin, you ll be so much happier. For reals.
Chapter Eight
Knock off that childish sacrificing food to idols shit. Knowledge is unimportant; love is all that matters. Love and obedience!
Chapter Nine
Man, I m just fucking awesome. And I have to tell everyone about it. I have to share the truth of God with anyone I meet, for I am right and they are wrong, and if they don t know that, their soul will suffer.
Chapter Ten
The thing about the Jews is, they didn t know at the time that they were following Christ, because God hadn t revealed it yet. We have to be better than them and love Jesus. Look at Israel s history; they went completely wrong, and because they were wrong, God didn t protect them. Be as good as I am.
Chapter Eleven
Men rule their wives. Women should pray with veils on, or they disgrace themselves. Not men, though; men are reflections of God, but women are reflections of men, so men own them. But men and women are intertwined in the Lord. Men shouldn t have long hair, that s degrading; it makes them look like chicks. All eating and drinking is communion. Doing either in an unworthy way is against God.
Chapter Twelve
Ramble ramble ramble ramble ramble members of the body of Christ.
Chapter Thirteen
Ramble ramble ramble love and such.
Chapter Fourteen
People who speak in tongues speak to God, and you can t make up that easy-to-fake gobbledygook. Blather fratha murda kringle forshtoo faddam zingy shwee! See, that s not fake. God and I were just talking about you, and he says you re a dick, Corinth. Women should be silent in church. Any prophet who doesn t recognize my authority above all prophets is a fake.
Chapter Fifteen
I am (and always will be) the last prophet that Jesus speaks to directly. And if I say Christ is risen, how can you disagree with me and my non-factual evidence of unverified testimony? And the reason you should be Christian is so death isn t scary.
Chapter Sixteen
Keep on trucking, keep on loving God, and fuck everyone who doesn t. And don t forget to keep collecting money for the Church, or else.
Jesus rocks!
Love,
Paul
Next week: Paul has another earful for those poor sons of bitches in Corinth.
Ohhhhh, she is so fucked up i cant help blogging about her, she is even more addictive than cocaine!!! hehe…. 
